One out of Three ain’t False

One of these vignettes is true. The other two were dreams. Can you guess which?

Uno

They came in cars. A Mini and a Morris-minor both painted a shade of teal echoing the plumage of their passengers. There were no less than five inside each vehicle and a few more perched on the roof. Native parrots. Kea, Kākā, kakapo, kākāriki. All as big as the humans the cars were originally built for and by. Each bird had learned one or more phrases of human speech. They would shriek their pet-phrases at random intervals as if afflicted with Tourette’s and the bird-brained cacophony was hilarious. Then another vehicle pulled up. A white van this time. My grandmother hopped out of the van and kicked Liz up the ass. Then she got back in the van and drove away.

Dos

Young kids don’t think that way. That’s what a lot of women say. Bullshit! I was only five years old the first time we visited Toronto. School starts at age 6 in that part of the world. My age was more suited for the equivalent of what we call Kindergarten in New Zealand. Standing-desks were not trendy back then, but very common in school-type environments. So there we were standing by some table busy working away at … Goodness knows what … I can’t really remember, but that was probably when I was playing with the plastic castle that had a trapdoor leading into a secret room that could be accessed by locating the camouflaged sliding door on the side. The girl standing next to me was engrossed with something equally fascinating so I looked around to make sure no-one was watching, then bent down and looked up her skirt.

Tres

The beautiful and mysterious world of calligraphy. I don’t think the teacher was explaining it very well. Not my fault that I couldn’t read the blackboard from where I sat. Fortunately, my pencil-case was loaded for bear. I stopped scribbling with the blue ink and switched to felt-tips in bright colours. Then highlighters. At least two other kids at the same table followed my lead — either from boredom or rebellion — and we were soon making a fine mess on our pages. By the time my masterpiece was ready for grading I had used a decent amount of cellotape to ensure that the remains of my peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwhich would remain fixed to the page. The thesis scrawled in bright red tomato-sauce “Remember: The bigger the spider, the bigger the mess.”


© Grumpy Axolotl

Appalling!

Prompt: Lifestyle

So there was that time I visited a nudist resort. I was utterly horrified by what I saw. Here are some examples of what the utterly loathsome perverted creatures who haunt such locales partake in

  1. They swim in the pool
  2. Do gardening
  3. Play darts
  4. Play foos-ball
  5. Read books
  6. Play billiards
  7. Cook food on a barbeque
  8. Drink beer
  9. Play table-tennis
  10. Socialise
  11. Swim in the pool again
  12. Followed by sunbathing
  13. Play board-games
  14. Hold pot-luck dinners
  15. Waste time on jigsaw puzzles

All that and more … with bare bottoms.

Disgusting!

There ought to be a law.

Seriously though. If you have never partaken in naked swimming or sunbathing, you are missing out on some of life’s most simple and natural pleasures.

Moreover: Today is World Naked Gardening Day. Dig it man! But I live in the Southern Hemisphere. Venture outside naked at this time of year and it’s stiff-nipples guaranteed.


(C) Grumpy Axolotl