Breaking news.

The Axolotl is now grumping through the Twittersphere. Yup, I’ve finally given in to temptation and gone to see what the fuss is about. They say that curiosity killed the cat, but that can only make the world a safer place for axolotls. I do love cats though and it’s widely acknowledged that Facebook and YouTube are powered almost entirely by cat videos.
Twitter is a different beast altogether: The first thing I was shown was tweets of some angry nobodies called Kardashians. I pressed a button that read “Show me less of this”. Now I have to learn how to drive this thing properly.
So, dear friends, if you happen to be haunting the halls of twitter, you can find me at @GrumpyAxolotl.
Peace and Grumps!

13 Sex-Toys You are using Wrong! 😱

Hey there! Great to have you with us again and, wow, do we have a hot topic for you today!; 13 sex-toys you are using wrong.  So drop your pants, grab a hot coffee and let’s go!

Firstly, a little background … X, Ys that you are Z-ing wrong. This headline pattern is currently enjoying more than its fair share of popularity. Why? Because this motherfucker has pull, baby. When we see “10 vegetables that you are storing wrong”, We click on the clickity-thingummy-whatsit and dig into it. Vegetables are essential. Vegetables are expensive. You don’t want your vegetables to deteriorate before you eat them. No! – that would just be silly. And there’s another, more powerful, reason: You are wrong! Yes, you, dear reader. You are wrong. How do you feel now? Angry? Resentful? Ready to strangle this arrogant axolotl? Nothing pisses people off more than being told they are wrong. So when someone tells you that you are storing your vegetables in an incorrect fashion, you are likely to think, “We shall see about that, asshole!”. Click!

Well, we can stop reading most of that crap because, guess what?, it turns out that you were right all along. I knew you were smart, and good-looking. Sure, some of it turns out to be useful information, but much of it is merely the author’s personal opinion. Sometimes the “correct” whatchamacallums are complete horse-radish. (Note to self: just what the hell is “horse-raddish”? Look it up). When you get down to the bare metal (not with your sex-toys, please, stay safe), it’s all about money, baby! $$$ Clicks, advertisements, moolah, dough.
Now, about those sex-toys…  
What’s that? We’re out of time?

Sorry folks, will have to leave that for a future post.
Take care everyone. Watch out for that big, bad, mainstream-media monster and remember to share your hottest sex-toy hints in the comments section below. 🙂

Image source

Sharing the Rug

Apologies to the author of this poem. Who are you?

See, I remember hearing this rhyme as a child. I didn’t write it myself, but it’s too good not to share, so …

Thanks for laying the carpet Dad. 
Thanks for showing me how. 
But, what’s that lump in the middle there, 
That keeps on saying “Meeow”?



Imagine now, if you will, building a brick wall. A brick wall. A wall possessing the strength to persist through the ages, to withstand the ravages of time. Decades. Centuries. Aeons. Forever. A wall so strong that it can frustrate the passage of time itself. The Great Wall Of Freeze-Frame. But the wall is not real, nor is it metaphor. It is bullshit. Fuck poetry.
Here is what’s real – LEGO bricks. In my LEGO-box are the skeletal remains of a barely-recognisable construction: Something I made with you over 20 years ago. It’s fucking plastic, but I still don’t dare completely dis-assemble it. The longer I leave it, the more valuable it becomes. Should I ever see you again, I can show you and say “Remember when…”

The bricks have infinite patience.

and time passes.


Manu Talks forever

Manu talks forever
He doesn’t stop

Tweet twiddle diddle pop
Weet twirdle middle bop
Sweet middle fiddle flop
Complete riddle kibble hop

Thou shalt not converse loudly whilst Manu is in the room.
He squawks up a storm, and he can go louder than you can. That’s right, he can go louder than you can. Cockatiel! Cockatiel!
When you spill coffee all down the front of your treasured Gucci blouse and yell “Phooey!”, my bird will laugh at you.

Manu talks forever
E hika! He doesn’t stop