Unfinished.

Unfinished

“I do one thing at a time. I do it well, and then I move on.” – Major Charles Winchester M.A.S.H

“I do one, two, or maybe seventeen things at a time whilst contemplating another four until I finally work out how to do the thing I was figuring out at which point I lose interest and can’t see any point finishing and move on.” – Major Distracted Axolotl. WordPress.

And, I might add, it’s really quite interesting when you consider that the

To the Wagon

I let myself out of the open-plan office and trudged across the courtyard beneath an overcast sky. The woman in the coffee-wagon was chipper as usual, and I was the antithesis of that. I asked for a flat-White, though my mind said ‘fat-white’ for some reason. I hate the new coffee-wagon. It shakes when the occupant moves. I feel dizzy when it shakes in front of me. I’m often dizzy. I’m always tired. I used to have mochaccinos but now I have flat-whites. I can go to bed early and sleep right through the night. I think I have what they call ‘low-carb flu’. Kei te mauiui ahau. Should come right in a couple of weeks. New Zealand is in the Southern Hemisphere so Summer is icummen in. Sing kiwi. The days are getting longer. I didn’t need to buy a coffee when I could have made one in the office for free but sometimes it’s nice having a destination when going outside. The wagon sells pies and sausage-rolls in plastic packaging. One time, I tried a sausage-roll just to feel warm. All I remember is that it was really sweet and that just isn’t right. I look forward to the warmth of Summer.

Worse than Crabs

Sex sells. So does itching-powder. Sometimes sex alleviates the need for powder as the subsequent itching – after relieving the initial itch – is free.  Herpes must be awful. Hey, is there anything worse than crabs? Sure, just wait till you try the pubic-lobster!  Speaking of crabs, I was at the beach once and a young girl chanced to pick up a beautiful conical-shell from the water’s edge. Screaming ensued when the pincers of the hermit-crab inside emerged and snipped the air menacingly. I have never had crabs – I doubt they would make good pets – but our house used to suffer regular slater infestations, which made great pests. Slaters are crustaceans (as are crabs) and they look a bit like trilobites, but they live on land and they couldn’t bite if they tried. I used to play with them. I would construct little mazes from LEGO bricks and encourage them to navigate the labrynth, but the little bastards would just climb straight over the walls.  Unfortunately, my Mom called a moratorium on labrynths when she discovered the minotaur hidden under my bed, reading Playboy magazine. Oh yeh, slaters are more correctly called wood-lice. In North-America they are colloquially referred to as pill-bugs. They have 14 legs and feed on decaying organic detritus, wood being a favourite dish. If you want to find a slater, go look under a log. You’ll likely find a spider too. That’s OK though; most spiders are harmless and even the venomous ones will ignore you unless you dick with them. Case in point: A tourist in New Zealand went to sleep naked, face-down on a sand-dune (so the newspaper says) and a Katipo (our native poisonous spider that lives predominantly in sand-dunes) reportedly bit his joystick. He went to hospital when his poor sausage swelled to twice its normal size (There’s just no pleasing some people). I guess pubic-spiders are worse than crabs.


Image: http://www.public-domain-image.com

High Fantasy in Low Places

When it comes to fantasy, I don’t know Jack (unless I can count that kid who traded his cow for beans). I have read much of Pratchett and some of Eddings, but that’s about it.

Enough about me already … I recently read a fantasy story that kept me up reading past my bedtime a few nights because I just couldn’t put it down. The story is Captain Rob Fights by Blaine Arcade. Although the title didn’t exactly grab my attention, I follow Blaine’s blog so when it appeared in my reader I had a look … and didn’t come back for a while. What did pique my interest was … In Blaine’s own words (copied verbatim-ish) :

<excerpt>

I Wrote a Fantasy Novel Set Entirely in a Public Restroom

AUGUST 28, 2016 ~ BLAINE ARCADE

Shut up, yes I did. This is not a joke. Well, it is a joke… but it’s a two hundred page joke that takes itself very seriously. It’s called Captain Rob Fights. One day I had a thought: What if I set a high fantasy in the lowest of places? It was originally going to be a short story, but then I had another thought: What if I stretched this one ply concept beyond all reason? Yeah, I’ll do that. So I did. 

 It has all the fixtures you’d expect of the genre from strange creatures and ancient magic to powerful relics and jaw-dropping battles. It also has all the fixtures of a bathroom… from sinks to hand dryers

<end of excerpt>

He has even drawn a map. So what are you waiting for? Go check it out! Captain Rob Fights


Disclaimer: Although Blaine has written a couple of short-stories for me, we do not know each other personally and I am not implying that we are associated in any way. Blaine has not asked me to promote this story (or to do anything). I am sharing it because I thoroughly enjoyed it and I hope you will too.