Go Google a Kite!

Imagine: The journey of a lifetime. Finally, you have arrived. All those months of working weekends and saving pennies have paid off. You’ve even taken the time to learn some of the language, and now you’re really here! – Walking through the country of your dreams for the first time. Everything is so new, so fresh, so vibrant. Every sound, sight, and smell a new wonder to behold. Even the sunlight feels exotic. Approaching a stranger, you manage, albeit a little hestitantly, in the local lingo, to ask “Excuse me, which way to the town-square?”. To which they reply with barely-disguised contempt “Google is your friend” before hurrying away.


Back in reality, I was once wondering who was playing Pedal-Steel on Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven” (It’s Jay Dee Maness). Google didn’t pony-up immediately, so I asked the question on an Internet forum. The first response? “Google is your friend!”

Seems to be the de-facto answer in this decade, and I’m sure most of us have heard it (or used it) recently. Well, I have several problems with this reply:

1) The implication is that I’m either too lazy, too retarded, or both to try Google first.
2) No attempt has been made to answer the question. So why bother replying, unless you just like to think you sound clever? asshole!
3) Yes, just about anything trivial can be answered by all-seeing, all-knowing Google. But asking in a forum is an invitation for conversation between human beings. Why piss on that?

So to all you smug “Google is your friend” bastards …

Fuck you, and the horses you rode in on, you self-righteous, arrogant pricks!


#include <jerk.h>
OK you miserable I.T. Educators, stop screwing around with your precious little “hello world” introductions in C. “hello world” is for testing the compiler. You know the friggin’ compiler works already. Sheesh! Engage with the customer. Here’s a better first program – students will actually enjoy this …

print "So pleased to see you. Say, is that a banana in your ...";
print "Righto - business first, please be entering the name of a jerk you know";
chomp($jerk = <stdin>);
print "That doesn't surprise me; I think $jerk is a jerk too!";
print "Now go ahead and enjoy the food.";

perl eats text for breakfast and any language with a chomp keyword has got to be good.

Wire Me a KettleNet

I’m reluctant to speculate too much about the new-fangled Internet-Of-Things. It’s such a huge and ever-changing topic – Books have been written about it, books are being written about it, and more books will be written about it. Technology is evolving so rapidly now that even the books which have not yet been written are hopelessly out-of-date.

I like to hear the jug boiling. It’s not necessarily┬áthe most┬ápleasant sound, but it means the coffee will soon be ready. I like coffee. All these years I have listened to the jug, never suspecting that one day the jug would be listening to me. Well, maybe that’s a good thing – I often feel that no-one is listening to me, but in the future I will be able to sit down with the jug after a tense day at the office and we can let off steam together. Maybe it won’t ever be like that. Perhaps the biggest change will be that the next time the pot wishes to call the kettle black, it will do so using voice-over-IP.