Worse than Crabs

Sex sells. So does itching-powder. Sometimes sex alleviates the need for powder as the subsequent itching – after relieving the initial itch – is free.  Herpes must be awful. Hey, is there anything worse than crabs? Sure, just wait till you try the pubic-lobster!  Speaking of crabs, I was at the beach once and a young girl chanced to pick up a beautiful conical-shell from the water’s edge. Screaming ensued when the pincers of the hermit-crab inside emerged and snipped the air menacingly. I have never had crabs – I doubt they would make good pets – but our house used to suffer regular slater infestations, which made great pests. Slaters are crustaceans (as are crabs) and they look a bit like trilobites, but they live on land and they couldn’t bite if they tried. I used to play with them. I would construct little mazes from LEGO bricks and encourage them to navigate the labrynth, but the little bastards would just climb straight over the walls.  Unfortunately, my Mom called a moratorium on labrynths when she discovered the minotaur hidden under my bed, reading Playboy magazine. Oh yeh, slaters are more correctly called wood-lice. In North-America they are colloquially referred to as pill-bugs. They have 14 legs and feed on decaying organic detritus, wood being a favourite dish. If you want to find a slater, go look under a log. You’ll likely find a spider too. That’s OK though; most spiders are harmless and even the venomous ones will ignore you unless you dick with them. Case in point: A tourist in New Zealand went to sleep naked, face-down on a sand-dune (so the newspaper says) and a Katipo (our native poisonous spider that lives predominantly in sand-dunes) reportedly bit his joystick. He went to hospital when his poor sausage swelled to twice its normal size (There’s just no pleasing some people). I guess pubic-spiders are worse than crabs.


Image: http://www.public-domain-image.com

13 Sex-Toys You are using Wrong! 😱

Hey there! Great to have you with us again and, wow, do we have a hot topic for you today!; 13 sex-toys you are using wrong.  So drop your pants, grab a hot coffee and let’s go!

Firstly, a little background … X, Ys that you are Z-ing wrong. This headline pattern is currently enjoying more than its fair share of popularity. Why? Because this motherfucker has pull, baby. When we see “10 vegetables that you are storing wrong”, We click on the clickity-thingummy-whatsit and dig into it. Vegetables are essential. Vegetables are expensive. You don’t want your vegetables to deteriorate before you eat them. No! – that would just be silly. And there’s another, more powerful, reason: You are wrong! Yes, you, dear reader. You are wrong. How do you feel now? Angry? Resentful? Ready to strangle this arrogant axolotl? Nothing pisses people off more than being told they are wrong. So when someone tells you that you are storing your vegetables in an incorrect fashion, you are likely to think, “We shall see about that, asshole!”. Click!

Well, we can stop reading most of that crap because, guess what?, it turns out that you were right all along. I knew you were smart, and good-looking. Sure, some of it turns out to be useful information, but much of it is merely the author’s personal opinion. Sometimes the “correct” whatchamacallums are complete horse-radish. (Note to self: just what the hell is “horse-raddish”? Look it up). When you get down to the bare metal (not with your sex-toys, please, stay safe), it’s all about money, baby! $$$ Clicks, advertisements, moolah, dough.
 
Now, about those sex-toys…  
What’s that? We’re out of time?

Sorry folks, will have to leave that for a future post.
Take care everyone. Watch out for that big, bad, mainstream-media monster and remember to share your hottest sex-toy hints in the comments section below. 🙂


Image source

So … What’s Next?

2016 !  Heck – I remember being concerned about the Y2K-bug, and the sense of relief when I woke up on 1st-Jan 2000 to find that my home still had electricity (I was into weird sex even back then).

I don’t do new-year’s resolutions. The resolution of this tablet’s display is high enough already, thank you very much. “Retina”, Apple calls it.

Grumpy Axolotl has been pseudo-grumping for 2 years now (I had a previous wordpress blog with a different name and very little on it which is now sleeping with the Automattic-fish). I say pseudo-grumping, as most of my rants are fairly tame really, or at least, tackle non-controversial subjects. I thought I would have a lot to say about political issues, but actually, I don’t. Or maybe I do, but … If I genuinely feel strongly about something, I’ve already read an opinion-piece that beats the pants off anything I could have written, and I have nothing to add. See, I’m actually fairly new to writing and get frustrated easily. I can string together a grammatically correct sentence, but paragraphs and form are a real struggle. Ooh, I’m feeling the grump today. And what if I say something factually incorrect? Wrong. Wrong – On the fucking Internet. Oh, for shame! I’ll lose all my followers and be forced to change my name and move to a land far-far-away that no-one’s ever heard of, such as New Zealand. Hey – Get your filthy hands off my ewe!

XKCD nails it:

duty_calls

I don’t want to be a part of that.

After a somewhat-hiatical 2015, I’ve been investing more effort lately, and poetry seems to be my strong-point (or at least something I can get away with). Fiction is something I still wish to dabble in. I’m not interested in writing novels. That’s not for lack of confidence; I’m simply not interested. Novels are for reading. I do wish to create short-stories though, and I’ve recently rediscovered micro-fiction. I think I can build on that. I really enjoyed my recent one-sentence post: Recipe for Disaster. I was in a cafe with my writing notebook and saw a glass-lidded cake-thingy-container with the words “Cheese-Scones” written on it. Hey presto! – story. That doesn’t happen often enough.

Maybe I should resolve to use fewer commas and exclamation-marks!

Oh, and you can ignore that weird-sex comment at the beginning.  I just threw that in because sex sells!, though I do genuinely enjoy ** BLOGGING ERROR 3.14159: TOO-MUCH-INFORMATION. POST TERMINATED. **